“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”Proverbs 3:5
I have sat and stared at this computer for hours trying to find the way to figure out what I wanted to say. I started this blog as an outlet to share my voice, thoughts, and feelings on not only my favorite outfit or movie but also to share my life with you all. When I first started this blog it was being used an outlet to keep my friends and family updated on our life in Dallas and things we were doing since we were so far away from everyone. As time has evolved I have also brought you all, my readers into that space and now include you in my life sharings. As many of you who may follow me on social media know we were expecting our first child on May 7,2016. A beautiful baby girl we decided to name Madison Jade. When we first announced our pregnancy to family and friends we were already so many weeks along and everything was going so great! No morning sickness … literally nothing was going wrong. I was having the ideal pregnancy. Appointment after appointment everything was going great. Third trimester hits and when I tell you the level of excitement we were having and super excited to have the baby shower and shower baby Madison before her arrival with family and friends. At 35 weeks you really are almost at the finish line and counting down the days until you can hold your little one and kiss their tiny hands and feet. After an amazing weekend for our baby shower we headed back home on Sunday April 3rd to one unpack all of our amazing gifts and to complete Madison’s room. The week starts and on Tuesday April 5th the worst possible thing could happen……
I woke up Tuesday morning starting my day as I usually do and noticed my usual busy body baby wasn’t as busy. If you’ve been pregnant before the doctor teaches you about kick counting and how many you should feel, what to do if you don’t feel them etc. Luckily for us, we stay less than 5 minutes from my doctors office so I decided after doing everything they suggest if the movements are less than usual to stop by. I could go on and on step by step on everything that happened that day but long story short they did an ultrasound and couldn’t find a heartbeat or see any movements. The worst nightmare I could have was now my reality. I just knew I was dreaming that this couldn’t be real but it was. Where’s a time machine when you need one right? On April 5,2016 we lost our precious angel and I had to be induced and go through normal delivery and she was officially born April 7,2016. The most adorable baby I have ever seen with a head full of hair and she looked so peaceful. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around what was going on. Those two days before I delivered her I sat in the hospital with so much denial thinking the doctors were wrong and our baby would come out screaming to the top of her lungs … but that didn’t happen.
So many things running through my mind as I replayed every detail from my previous weekend even from the night before on what in the world happened for this to happen to me…to us.. to our family. Even worse seeing so many newborns popping up on my social media timelines and I wonder why did this happen to my Madison..why us? A perfect pregnancy that ends in a tragedy? I felt so alone. So empty. I was hearing everyone say “they are praying for us” “we’ll have another baby one day” the list goes on but none of those things were sticking with me. I wanted my baby Madison, I wanted everything to be okay with her, and I wanted this to be a dream. What I had to tell myself was to not shut out the most important person who was also going through this with me, my husband Marcus. I go on and on all the time on how supportive he is and how much I love him and vice versa but this man is heaven sent. The week we had and the things that we went through during this week my constant crying and break downs he was right there every step of the way holding my hand, praying with me, and ensuring me that we WILL GET THROUGH THIS. He’s right. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. When Madison was delivered they couldn’t find anything wrong or what the cause was of this sudden tragedy. It really left us all puzzled but sometimes everything isn’t meant to be black and white. God has a reason on everything he does and we can’t question that.
“For I know the plans I have for you,”
1 out of 160 pregnancies end like this and when you think about it that is a lot. When this first happened, I honestly felt I was the ONLY person in the world going through this and why was it happening to little ole me. Why was our family chosen to go through this? But, the more I read and the amazing support the hospital had for us during our stay we realized day by day we are not alone and that we now have our very own personal guardian angel. Every day gets better and with continuous prayer we are making it. We can’t sit in darkness and stop living our life because God didn’t make this happen for that and Madison wouldn’t want that either. What I want to share with anyone who may be going through a similar situation is that it does get better. We’ll NEVER forget what happened and we definitely will NEVER forget our baby girl but all of the memories we made up until that point we have to smile on and remember. If you’re going through this and not sure what to do and feel that you just can’t go on I am telling you that you can. When you’re feeling weak…pray and ask God for strength. We truly want to thank each and every one of you especially our amazing family who was with us through all of this and taking care of us making sure we were okay.
And again and always… We love you Madison Jade Crockett. Always and forever!